Random

Randomopoly



My children have got to be the grodiest children on the face of the planet. I am quite certain that there are kids living in mud huts that aren't as dirty as my kids. I went in to what we call the kids' bathroom to take a bath, since the upstairs bathroom only has a shower, and even though just hours before I had scrubbed the whole room down, the tub was filthy all over again. I know for a fact my children are not out wallowing in mud, so where does this filth come from, I ask? Not only that, but when I was cleaning their bathroom, there were hand prints on the walls, floor, and even on the window, which is essentially in a separate room. I expected that to happen when they were messy little toddlers, but now that they're pre-teens, I sort of (mistakenly, clearly) expect some modicum of cleanliness from the heathens.


One of my favorite things to do is argue with the news. No, really. Some people like to settle in with the Sunday paper and do the NY Times crossword puzzle. Others like to read the Arts and Living Section. Some watch the Sports recaps as if their not watching will cause all their favorite teams to lose the next game. I like to turn on any news broadcast- local, national, CNN, Fox, the Today Show, you name it, and argue with them. Katie, Tom Brokaw, Matt Lauer, the local girl (her name is Jackie)... they're all wrong. Actually, they aren't wrong so much as they don't really report news, and I tell them that. Sometimes there is a piece I really disagree with- some story about a new medical study or whatever, and that really gets me fired up. Generally speaking, though, they tell Americans things we already know, and that annoys me. For instance, when they're reporting on a new study that shows obese people walk less and eat more than thin people, I have to wonder what brainchild figured that out, and why the editor, journalist, or reporter didn't say "uh, don't you think America already knows that?" before it got aired. I do know my television is not interactive, but arguing with it brings me pleasure. It's the small things.


I love commercials. I really enjoy a catchy tune and a quirky message delivered in under thirty seconds. The best commercials have a hidden message or a reference to something else. I'm currently really enjoying the Go Meat! Hillshire Farms commercials- I love meat, ditties, and quirky plots all delivered to me quickly. My favorite of those so far is the men barbecuing- how can you not love men doing all the work and being so happy about it they're singing? There used to be a local car dealership radio commercial who's catch phrase was "I'm stuck in my car!" and while the actual dealership was horrible and their commercial was not wonderful, that phrase is one I use regularly. I say it when I can't get my seat belt unbuckled. I say it when my arm gets caught in my coat sleeve. I use commercials in everyday speech. I also laugh really hard at a commercial where a reporter is walking along and Bam! walks into a signpost. I love that commercial, and couldn't even tell you what's being advertised. The Geico pile of money (actually most Geico) commercials annoy me, but other than that, I really enjoy advertisements in general. I said once there should be a commercial channel. My father quickly replied that there were infomercials on all the time, but they're not the same. While I can appreciate a good "Set it and Forget It!" and "Sham Wow! But you have to call right now because we can't do this all day" and my personal favorite, "But wait! We'll double the offer!"... they're just not the same.

I'm not a bath person, in general. While I enjoy cleanliness as a whole and in theory a soothing bath always sounds like a good idea, it just never works out to be all that I think it should. The wonderful thing about this house is our hot water heater is powered by the fuel oil tank, so we essentially never run out of hot water, provided there is oil in the tank. The upstairs bathroom has only a shower stall, and since it's in the corner, it's fairly wide and deep, and seems to be quite spacious, given the size of my last shower. The downstairs bathroom has a standard tub, which to me seems narrow but very deep. I like this tub because it's one piece, so cleaning it is a breeze. Because I nearly always shower, all of my apres shower items are upstairs, so in order to actually take a hot relaxing bath, there are a series of non-relaxing events that must first take place. I must round up all of the items I think I'll need. Find soothing music and candles and a drink. Dig up a book that's easy reading. Grab a big, fluffy towel, and something soft and warm and cozy to put on. Find a backup, soft, less warm thing to put on in case I get too hot. Grab my phone in case there's some sort of emergency while I'm wet and naked. Inform everyone in the house that I'm not to be disturbed. Start running the water. Remember that I forgot something and fetch it. Pour the bath salt, bubbles, or other accoutrement into the water. Test the temperature and adjust accordingly. Finally sink into it. By this time, I really need to relax. I sit for a while and then get bored, so I might read a little but it's hard to not get the book wet, so I'll sip the drink, but that's boring too. I never feel quite clean while taking a bath because it just seems like I'm sitting there in water that's dirty even though I know I wasn't really dirty to begin with and I just wanted to relax or soak aching muscles or whatever, but when I'm done soaking, I always feel like I have to rinse off in the shower. Baths just feel like a lot more work than they are relaxing to me. I have a friend who takes a bath every day, even though she has a perfectly functioning shower. She just enjoys them more, and that works for her. I honestly believe if I only had a tub, with no shower, I'd go use my parents' shower.

Naps should be mandatory for all people. When you're young, people (mainly parental type people) think you need a nap. You probably do need a nap, and sometimes more than one to make it through your arduous day of eating and drooling and crapping in your pants. When you're old, people excuse your seeming need for a nap, which they think will perhaps keep you from drooling and crapping in your pants between eating. But in the in-between ages, you're expected to maintain consciousness at all times from a respectable waking time until a reasonable bedtime. I know several adults who are ornery and would probably benefit immensely from a midday siesta. I also think if a little power nap were handed out in place of birth control in schools, maybe teenagers would score better on tests and less in bedrooms (or backseats of cars, locker rooms, behind the bleachers, or wherever else teens are getting in on these days). Personally, I nap whenever I feel like it, but typically it's more of a "I'm going to lie down, so feel free to disturb me as soon as I get comfortable" sign to everyone with whom I reside.

People receiving any type of public assistance should be randomly drug tested. Here's the thing: I, and many other people with actual jobs, have to take and pass a drug and alcohol test in order to earn an actual paycheck. Why are the people receiving support completely exempt from any type of drug testing whatsoever? I'm not stereotyping so much to say that all people receiving public assistance are taking drugs, but I know for a fact that some are. Granted, some people who have jobs are taking drugs, but those people aren't really my problem, since they've managed to find and maintain gainful employment. If you can afford to buy drugs, you don't need to have the government paying your way, to my way of thinking. If you can't pass a drug test, you don't get any more free money. You should be sober at all times, because you should be looking for work, and stoned people shouldn't be working. The kicker is, I'm not even anti-drug, per se. However, drugs are illegal, and an unnecessary expense, and you shouldn't be allowed those options until you are fully supporting yourself.

I also think there should be mandatory chemical sterilization for anyone receiving assistance that already has three or more children, and while you're on assistance, you should be given a Depo shot or IUD, but I'll let you choose. I'm not completely heartless. Oh, and assistance, to me, is not just welfare in the form of cash or having your rent paid for. If you get food stamps, medical insurance, HEAP, or any type of government assistance at all, buh-bye drugs and babies. I have to support myself fully, and so do millions of other people. You should lose some of your rights if you aren't capable of making wise enough decisions to be a responsible adult. Children aren't exactly rights, they're more like responsibilities, and you're not responsible enough to breed. So you'll earn back that privilege when you prove yourself worthy.